just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
