Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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