Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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