I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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