Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
