He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
