hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
