I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
