Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
