i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
