He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
