saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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