I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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