Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
