I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
