I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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