I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
