Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
