im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
