Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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