I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize