you traded sex for a burrito?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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