dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
this will be a night to untag.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
