I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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