Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
