My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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