i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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