It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
