I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I have post one night stand depression
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
