the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize