hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
