We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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