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I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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