he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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