Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
