Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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