Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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