Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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