Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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