the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
