Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
