yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
