im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
