and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
