i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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