He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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