how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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