My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
