She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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