Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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