Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
