The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She told me I should be a condom model.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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