Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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