I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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