Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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