All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
