Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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