I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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