I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Couch. On fire.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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