I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
