I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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