I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
