Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
my being single is dangerous.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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