You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
