i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
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