I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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