He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
You're completely useless in the revolution.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
