So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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