i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
